I want to fuck your pixels

Japanese man SAL9000 met cute emoticon Nene Anegasaki on Love Plus. They played rock, paper, scissors for 16 hours straight. It never got boring. They got married. That done, they had children. These children lived inside laptops. The human race was over. Nice one SAL.

Warning: supermarket bum-sniffer on the loose

Chances are you'll find yourself in a supermarket a few times in the coming weeks. Roundly speaking, they are safe places but please keep the eyes in the back of your head peeled. Otherwise you might get bum sniffed by this bum bandit renegade.

Man-eating pugs

Pugs are officially the cutest animals on planet earth. That's why they sometimes get away with murder. Almost literally. Harry and Sally, two predictably adorable pugs from Illinois have managed to find a new owner despite feasting off the body of their last owner who shot himself. I'd love to see how a pair of man-eating staffies would get on if they wanted re-housing. Life's not fair.

NoKo jeans

For achingly hip Scandi kids there is only one trouser to be seen in this festive period ... black jeans made in North Korea.
Obviously, North Koreans are not permitted to wear jeans - they all wear 1880 CLUB school trousers (see picture below) - but that hasn't stopped three savvy Swedish entrepreneurs from setting up shop behind enemy lines to produce NoKo jeans. They're going like hot cakes. I want a pair.

Fix up, look sharp North Korean-style

Bad news for the massive Rastafarian/crusty community plying their trade in North Korea. Kim Jung-ll has declared all-out war on untidy and foreign hairstyles. North Korean geezers now have a choice of 1 when they pop down the salon: short, back and sides or else.

Hayden Wright mans up (news story of the year)

Hayden Wright is like a lot of other folk in Chattanooga, Tennessee. His dad is in county lock-up. His mum is called April. He likes to stay up late and get loaded on 12-ounce bottles of Bud Light. In some ways Hayden is Mr America.

But heeeeeeell, sometimes he pushes the boat out a little too far. Like the time a few days ago when he bowled out of the house drunk at 1.45am, broke into his neighbour's house, stole their Christmas presents and slipped into a fetching brown dress.

But in the all-round scheme of things, Hayden is a just a regular Joe. The only slightly unusual thing about Hayden is that he is four years young.

Nikki Finke vs the H'wood trades

Nikke Finke's Deadline/Hollywood now has a bigger readership than Variety and The Hollywood Reporter combined. Pretty startling given it's only been on the block for four years and the trades have been churning out copy for decades

Still Dre ...

and Jay-z, Snoop & Biggie. Fire!

Secret Cinema presents "Bugsy Malone"

Here's the excellent vid from Secret Cinema's "Bugsy Malone" bash at The Troxy in Limehouse. Stay tuned to Secret Cinema's facebook page for news of the Valentine's lover's special taking place in Feb (prob 13th).

Fjallraven backpack

This backpack from Swedish outdoors brand Fjallraven is the bee's knees. It's the sort of thing I'd imagine Aussie troopers wore during WWII when trooping knee deep in Papua New Guinean swamp

Divorce gift vouchers

Still stuck for what to get that special loved one for Christmas? Howsabout a divorce gift voucher? For just £125 plus VAT you can surprise your wife or hubbie this festive season with a free sesh of legal advice. Soooooooooo romantic. Imagine their excitement when they tear open the wrapping.

Tuff gig

What's the most dangerous job on the planet?
I'd always thought it was driving big those big trucks over ice roads or working on oil rigs (everyone gets the bends and their body comes out of their mouth).
However, it turns out that #3 @ al-Qaeda is by far the most dangerous job currently with vacancies. According to Gawker, it turns nine number threes have bit the dust since al-Qaeda got popular. This despite al-Qaeda having amazing hiding places in the outlaw-friendly swathes of Pakistan and maze of caves of Afghanistan.

Dear Andy Love Mick

Back before Powerpoint presentations and Adobe attachments, there were letters. When not using the telephone some people used to use letters to communicate. Here's one Mick Jagger sent to Andy Warhol. It's a creative brief. Paraphrased, it reads "Hey Blonde Bob, do whatever you want and charge me whatever you like. Love Big Lips x" Didn't life use to be so simple ...

Thompson wins big on the Queens Park Rangers

QPR's 2-2 draw @ the Hawthorns on Monday night was a decent result. But for fluky yank gambler Blake Thompson it was a rim-rocking SLAM DUNK. He's sure to be wheeled out @ Loftus Rd in coming weeks.

Feel the burn

Crazy news coming out of East Flatbush where an unfortunate bodybuilder has been beaten and stabbed to death after a heated row with a fellow musclehead.
The bone of contention: whose go it was on the Nautilus elliptical machine (whatever that is). You know what Biggie would say: 'Roids and patience go together like two dicks and no bitch.
The only signs remaining of the attack yesterday were Smith's workout gloves and Gatorade bottle - left on the machine he had been using.

Octopussies no more!

Oh shit! It's been known for some time that octopuses are sick and tired of being whisked out of the sea, brutally murdered and then served up as fresh calamari. But until now it's been fine as the limp-wristed invertebrates have displayed zero intelligence. Until now all they've really been up to is aimlessly clinging on to to the posts of piers.
But Current Biology reports on some chilling news: veined octupuses, or Amphioctupus margininatus, have begun to dabble in sophisticated tool use. According to the biology boffins, the little blighters are collecting coconut shells for shelter. Basically, they are building underwater slumvilles to rival the likes of Lagos.
As we all know that means they are about ten or 11 years from rising from the sea, face-suckering us all and developing weopens of mass destruction. Be scared, be very scared. I've already stopped eating calamari in case they have me on OctoCCTV.

The Lynx effect

In Albania one little spary of Lynx (but not Africa) makes every female within 50 metres keel over with a sudden voilent bout of love sickness. For this reason Lynx barely advertise in Albania - why bother wasting ad bucks when the population are already hopelessly addicted?

However, it's not all a cakewalk for Lynx's crack team of marketeers: In the U.K., some misled heathens still need a little encouragement to part with their readies and get Lynxed up. (note: thankfully this does not apply in Swansea where no self-respecting, roided-up squaddie goes anywhere w/o a few cans of Lynx in their gymbag). That's why the Lynx lads have come up with these great festive ads. They should conscript the last few miserly holdouts.

Rooney zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

A few days ago, I posted the nice 'Peaches Geldof dreams of bread' story. I was pretty sure that'd I'd bagged the most pointless story of all-time gong.
But you knows what they say about buses ... it only turns out that Wayne Rooney was asleep in a hotel room during the World Cup draw. Go on, just try and lift your jaw off the floor. That's if you haven't fainted with excitement.

To paraphrase Wooney, he lay down on his bed watching telly and then just nodded off. Wow! Beyond fascinating. I bet that's never happened before. To anyone.

Maybe one time he'll open the fridge and forget what he's looking for. Another time he might take out the rubbish. Or wake up a bit late. Imagine the unending possibilities.

Wham! The Starbucks and weed diet

George Michael knows just how to build buzz for his upcoming Christmas single; bang on about how me he likes cottaging, weed and crack and close with a stinging tirade aimed at a fellow sleb. Sack the publicist(s).

What's that prick honey?

This kiwi monster has to be the most selfish man on the planet.

HOLD THE FRONT PAGE: Peaches Geldof dreams of bread

I'm always on the hunt for mind-numbingly dumb, pointless news stories.
One day last year, I thought I'd nailed it. My find was a nice four ot five para piece on Robbie Williams buying a motorbike. According ot the fearless investigative journo, Robbie was spotted going into a motorbike shop and having a look. The shop was in or near Swindon. That was it. No hidden meaning. Nothing. Case closed surely?
No way. Digital Spy have just gone and topped the Robbie 'exclusive'. Their massive scoop? Peaches Geldof (sometimes) dreams of bread. That's all folks.

Milla backs Ivorians and Black Stars to shine

Hip-jiggling all-time legend Roger Milla reckons Ghana and Ivory Coast have the potential to go far at the World Cup. I sure hope he's right. I'd like nothing more than seeing Kolo lift the cup. In other WC news, England have already won their group of life.

Free sex for tree huggers

Attn. all cheapskate Euro kerb-crawlers looking for a festive treat.
Copenhagen's prostitutes are offering free nookie to Climate Summit attendees. The startling move by the ladies of the night is a counter-strike aimed at the city's mayor who is trying to stop businessmen in macs from beelining to the red lights.

Hot crime: Gold Farming

Everyone knows that at least half of China's teen population are locked in windowless basements busily 'working' 20 hour days unlocking priceless axes, maces, shields and big-boobed women that their dad's then sell on to time-poor, spot-rich Westerners who are desperate to impress their peers in online games like World of Warcraft.

But did you know that this dirty game of gold farming has spread to the once-pretty English sticks? Well it definately has. Some un-named scumbag in Avon and Somerset has been naughtily phishing hammers, swords, you name it and re-selling them in web-based role playing game RuneScape. (S)he's probably richer that Dubai (pre-crash).

Important note to my concerned family and friends: I read about this upsetting phenom. I am not having 15-hour long online sword fights with Vietnamese 13-year-olds on the sly.

"Pulp Fiction" co-screenwriter tweets himself into lock-up

Roger Avary, co-screenwriter of "Pulp Fiction," seems to have landed himself in deep(er) water via his insatiable appetite for social networking.
The writer, who was sentenced to a year in jail for causing a car crash in Ojai that killed a passenger and injured his wife, apparently has been tweeting about life on the inside. And his 140 character blasts from skid row (gangs, drugs, strip-searches etc) have developed a bit of a following.
But it turns out the supposed hard man has been fibbing a bit. According to the L.A.Times he's only on a cushie 'furlough programme' which seems to mean you get the day off jail to pop into work and update your Facebook profile etc. There was us thinking he was typing away from the top bunk as his inmate sharpened up a home-made shank.
But it's all blown up in Avary's face and he is now actually in the clink for real. Check in here https://twitter.com/AVARY to see how he gets on in the showers. I'm hearing from my prison sources that the latest method of prison attack is to put baby oil & water in the microwave and use as molten lava. Truly medieval.

"Avatar": 'horrible piece of shit'

Naughty Gawker has broken the embargo and posted a review on "Avatar" and it does not make good reading for Mr Cameron and co. Apparently the special super-duper 3D effects are 'literally vomit inducing' and 'overall it a horrible piece of shit'.
Regardless, it will still open Titanic @ the box office. But the big q is will it have legs? Any release this anticipated is virtually critic proof so far as opening weekend goes, but it will need to be sustained by word of mouth. If people stream out of the multiplex blowing chunks that could shorten its run!

Drill, baby drill

This vid of interviews with Palin fans waiting in line at a book signing is must-watch. The stupidity of her supporters is off the Richter. My personal low/highlight is the 'drill, baby drill' proponent who says "we need get the polar bears off the endangered list so we can drill there (Alaska)"

Wikileak publishes 9/11 text messages

Click here to mine an online quarry of found poetry
ie
1) my nephew's ok, 2) there's a dead body at the main gate, 3) US denies responsibility for bombing in Afghanistan. Over and out.

Nike x Patta

I love these purple cookie eaters. 'Dam outfit Patta are on fire.

The racist baby

Probably best this little guy doesn't join the LAPD when he grows up.

Gourmet Quadici re-up

Crooked Tongues are damn right to give big props to these 'ugly-beautiful amphibious heaters' but I'm not digging these new colorways. I still love my mean greens best.

Human fat traders

Hey older female readers ... ever wondered where your £50 a pop anti-wrinkle cream comes from? Here's the answer: it's drained from the fat of (fat) Peruvian peasants who are being killed for their meat by no-good bandits. But don't sweat the small stuff - You're Worth It.
Note: Loreal were not available for comment.

DEVELOPING: World definately going to 'Collapse'

Ever wondered what the hell is gonna happen when the world's depleted stocks of oil run out?

Michael Ruppert, who looks like a hard-boiled hack from The Wire, spends pretty much every waking minute mulling and mouthing off on the subject. While I like my prophets to be a little less gloomy I'm 100% sold on his theory that, when the last drop of black gold goes up in smoke, we all will too.

In the post-oil world, I'd imagine the awesomely dressed Movement for the Emancipation of The Niger Delta (MEND) rebels will run ting. While they will have to ditch their nippy little speedboats, these natty cats are built to last; the already get on just fine in hopelessly unfarmable swamplands and make do without broadband and toasters in villages w/o leccy.

The Dutch might also survive for a bit given their penchant for wind power.

van Pizzle goes experimental

Tweaked a hammie? Bruised a toe? Gone over on an ankle? Time to pop over to Serbia (red-hot topic on ArchBlog this week) for a human placenta massage.

Pot/kettle/black

Oh dear, My Son (sp)

Putin up in da club

For some time it's clear that poor Gordon Brown is running out of road. Diligently toiling like a mule to drag the U.K. out of recession has gone largely unappreciated. Even coming out of the closet as pretty much totally blind doesn't seem to have won him any sympathy support. It's got so desperate he's even started jogging to try and effect a fit, healthy sporty persona to match young buck (and smug kwunt) Cameron.
Brown is sprinting to the bar at last orders in the last chance saloon bar. Perhaps it's time to crash-and-burn in style. For inspiration he need look no further than Putin who is courting the kids via his new-found love of hip-hop.
"I do not think that 'top-rock' or 'down-rock' breakdance technique is compatible with alcohol or drugs," Putin told cheering hip-hoppers who responded with chants of "Respect, Vladimir Vladimirovich".

ARMORED CAR WITHOUT PENIS. LET’S SAVE THE WHALES

To think, since February I've been driving my $1.45 million Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition SUV around town (mostly up and down the Kings Road) and until today I had absolutely no idea the seats were made of WHALE PENIS.
This shocking revelation has me wanting to retch. After getting so drunk at the Henley regatta I could not stand let alone drive home I slept in the car and woke with my face plastered to the slinky leather.
Rest assured I'll be returning my ride to Dartz in the morning.

Garlic selling like hot cakes in Serbia

The Serbs have never struck me as hypochondriacs. Until now. It seems a paltry few hundred cases of piggie sniffles has sent the population into virus-fearing meltdown. Even supposed hardman N.Vidic is digging up his back yard in search of garlic.

Eating cutlery

I've been to Rotterdam. As well as being Europe's largest port it is also an incredibly bleak, depressing place. That said, at no point did I feel so low that I munched though 78 knives and forks.

Nobbie Stiles, Razor Ruddock, Vinnie Jones, Julian Dicks, Elizabeth Lambert

Slight but vicious University of New Mexico defender Elizabeth 'don't call me Lizzie' Lambert displays her 'agricultural' approach to the game of soccerball. Defo one to take woman and ball.

Babies making £$£ (finally)

Everyone knows babies cost an arm and leg. For the first six months or so they are unable to work (even freelance). That's until now. An enterprising Indian nanny has come up with a great plan which is a dead cert to catch on elsewhere - renting babies out to beggars to help them with their 'i've got so much on my plate right now can I have a few rupees' routine. Unbelievably, hopelessly short-sighted news outlets like the BBC are trying to stop babies making some much-needed dough for their parents. I think this is pretty disgusting given they gave J.Woss a massive rise and free haircuts for life at Nikki Clarke as a reward for ruthlessly attacking old people.

Cooper boards "The Devil's Double"

With cocky so-and-so Dominic Cooper on board, "The Devil's Double" is heating up. Check this from Screen Intl. ...

Cooper to play The Devil’s Double for Tamahori
9 November, 2009 | By Jeremy Kay
Dominic Cooper will star and Ludivine Sagnier is in talks to join him in Corsan’s thriller The Devil’s Double based on the true story of Uday Hussein’s body double that is set to begin shooting in January in Malta.
Lee Tamahori (Die Another Day, XXX: State Of The Union) will direct to join what Corsan CEO Paul Breuls described as a taut action tale about the extraordinary life of Latif Yahia.
Corsan World Sales is talking to buyers here at AFM and the Paradigm Motion Picture Finance Group is representing domestic rights.
Yahia, a dead ringer for Saddam Hussein’s sadistic and widely despised son, was forced against his will to stand in for Uday in potentially dangerous situations. Through his role, Yahia gained access to Hussein’s inner sanctum and witnessed corruption, violence and debauchery.
Michael Thomas adapted the screenplay from Hussein’s books I Was Saddam’s Son and The Devil’s Double.
Cooper currently appears alongside Carey Mulligan and Peter Sarsgaard in An Education and his credits include Mamma Mia!, The Duchess and The History Boys. He will next be seen in Stephen Frears’ Tamara Drewe.

Oliver Spencer combat jumper

Pretty much everything in Lamb's Conduit Street shop Oliver Spencer is lovely. If I had any spare greenbacks I'd already be the owner of their combat jumper. I'm a complete and utter sucker for thumb-holes. This is what the Zapatistas would wear if they invaded the Falklands.

Pocket-sized hedgehog

Mini pets are all the rage right now. Her Poshness just bought Becks a pair of micropiglets. Thanks to Matt for alerting me to the vast array of other mini pets out there. Apparently, mini-hedgehogs are soooo last year. Like I give a root - they wipe the floor with the pint-sized competition.

HOLD THE FRONT PAGE: Bears join War on Terror!

BREAKING NEWS: The long wait is over; Bears have finally cast their all-important vote on the ongoing clash of civilisations. After a series of clandestine meetings in woods (which, reportedly, even the trees weren't invited to), Bears have come down firmly on the side of democracy. Phewy - they don't hate our freedom. They might even love it.
Bears first deadly contribution to the ongoing War on Terror came in South Kashmir where a lone operator named Rupert van Rooneyberg took out two sleeping Mujahideen fighters with consumate ease.
"This is potentially a problematic situation for our Global terror network," said a leading Taliban commander, who preferred to go un-named. (S)he added "holy dude, this is bad; the Bears know pretty much all our caves." The Bears' decision to team up with the West comes somewhat out of leftfield for Islamic fundamentalist militants. "Just last Tuesday we shared mint tea with some senior Bears and even had a little dance under the stars," lamented the balaclava'd Taleban commander.
President Obama cut off his holiday in Martha's Vineyard to welcome the news: "It cannot be underestimated how important co-operation with the Bears worldwide might prove. I think it would be fair to say that they know more about caves than even the Mountain Goats."
A spokesperson for the Mtn Goats had not returned calls at time of press.

Ice-T - getting colder.

O.G. Ice-T once again shows the first generation of rappers to enter middle-age how not to age gracefully. Even Flavor Flav and Bobby Brown would disapprove of this 'look'.

Sensible shirting

If only this SatyenKumar number wasn't dry clean only I'd defo be handing over the readies. Otherwise, it's pretty much ideal; understated & smart yet casual.

Secret Cinema presents Alien

Click 'ere to check out pictures from Secret Cinema's Halloween special. The film was "Alien" and the bash took place in a derelict warehouse in Shoreditch.

Awayday gone badly wrong

I don't know what's worse: being set on fire or being doused in warm Carlsberg by a mob of (hilarious) pissed-up hoolies. Spose this is what happens when you dress up as a sheep on public transport.

Lacoste wool hat

Al Capone used to wear a cheerful wool hat like this when he went on his summer holidays. His regular black one just reminded him too much of burying bodies in fresh cement under the highway.

Russell Moccasin Fishing Oxford Shoes

I'm sure they're good for reeling in monster marlin but just imagine how good these would be for tug o' war.

Shucks Shux

AlShux AKA Alexander Shuckburgh (and my future brother-in-law) continues his meteoric rise. His excellent "Empire State of Mind" track for little-known Big Apple rapper Jay-Z has been treated to a music vid by Hype Williams.

Otto and the Eye

Click here to see young Otto Gundry's superb acting debut. I love the way the vid is shot by his pop esp. the bit on the bike at the beginning. As you might be able to tell Otto is somewhat in love with the London Eye and its magnificent pods. That's until he claps eyes on the ice cream van. It's then when his heart truly Toffee Crumbles and he 99 Flakes out.

Mao mark II???

In the red corner, hailing out of China and weighing in at an impressive 220 pounds, meet General Mao, the fast-rising grandson of the Great Helmsman who looks set to run the world.

Hucker, Huckerby, Hucker, Huckerby

Check out this awesome interview with San Jose Earthquake's new living legend Darren Huckerby, scorer of the greatest goal of all-time.
Daz says some interesting things about his time toplining for Norfolk FC and really spills the beans on the Beckhams. Whoever said the Yanks know nowt all about soccer.

Windows 7 Party vid

You haven't been to a party until you've been to a Windows 7 party. Invite all you favorite terrifying American robots and just let that mutha flow with activities.
p.s. make sure you watch til the end or you'll miss the white guy's perculiar sign-off wave

Hungarian Ventrilochoir murder 'Yesterday'

In purgatory they only have one channel. It's in Hungarian. Before the hourly news they run this. Every hour. Some people lose their shit and become aggressive. These are the people who are asked to take the elevator down. Thankfully there is no Ventrilochoir in that elevator. Some of them are so relieved they don't even mind that they are headed straight into a Hieronymus (of coursde I had to check the spelling!) Bosch painting.

LL Bean Fisherman's Jumper

This Fisherman's jumper is right up my st. It's the sort of thing all the hip, old 85-year-olds country folk wear in Gallic masterpiece "Modern Life."

Head Porter Plus tweed jacket

I love this Head Porter Plus tweed jacket with contrast piping. Very Sherlock Holmesian

"I've done a video before man"

Click here to see Kanye West, of 'Ye as he is know to his adoring fans, get slapped upside the face by Spike Jonze ("Being John Malkovich").

It goes w/o saying that 'Ye no doubt would have preferred Beyonce to shoot his music vid. That explains why he's seen in this vid behaving like a 12-year-old girl denied the chance to watch the X-Factor final because her dad is watching re-runs of Porridge.

(I wish it was real but it is in fact a pretty clever mock-up riffing on Kanye's rep for big-headedness).

When managers score (on the volley from half way)

Check out this for a wonderstrike. Ohh the nonchalence, ohh the technique. All in a suit. Guaranteed never to be repeated.

iWatch - I watch my America

In Los Angeles they have iWatch, a massive snitching program designed to root out terrorist sleeper cells. In Cuba they have CDR, Committees for the Defense of the Revolution.

Cassetteboy vs Nick Griffin

And finally ... Adolf Hitler.

But seriously, wouldn't it have been better if the BBC had had Griffin on Hard Talk for a proper grilling. The Question Time panel were so desperate to out-do each other in terms of who could get the most digs in that Griffin never really got the oppo to really embarrass himself. It will be interesting to see if support for the BNP spikes next week. I fear it will.

Homeless chic

Only the Dutch would come up with this - bedding that makes your bedroom look like a shit n' smack stained NCP car park. The oh-so chic skid row look is defo getting hotter right now. Maybe next they'll design cardboard one-legged staffies (complete with bandana collar) and Special Brew flavoured artichokes to wow dinner party guests. Looking destitute has never been so easy. Get the look here.