I want to fuck your pixels

Japanese man SAL9000 met cute emoticon Nene Anegasaki on Love Plus. They played rock, paper, scissors for 16 hours straight. It never got boring. They got married. That done, they had children. These children lived inside laptops. The human race was over. Nice one SAL.

Warning: supermarket bum-sniffer on the loose

Chances are you'll find yourself in a supermarket a few times in the coming weeks. Roundly speaking, they are safe places but please keep the eyes in the back of your head peeled. Otherwise you might get bum sniffed by this bum bandit renegade.

Man-eating pugs

Pugs are officially the cutest animals on planet earth. That's why they sometimes get away with murder. Almost literally. Harry and Sally, two predictably adorable pugs from Illinois have managed to find a new owner despite feasting off the body of their last owner who shot himself. I'd love to see how a pair of man-eating staffies would get on if they wanted re-housing. Life's not fair.

NoKo jeans

For achingly hip Scandi kids there is only one trouser to be seen in this festive period ... black jeans made in North Korea.
Obviously, North Koreans are not permitted to wear jeans - they all wear 1880 CLUB school trousers (see picture below) - but that hasn't stopped three savvy Swedish entrepreneurs from setting up shop behind enemy lines to produce NoKo jeans. They're going like hot cakes. I want a pair.

Fix up, look sharp North Korean-style

Bad news for the massive Rastafarian/crusty community plying their trade in North Korea. Kim Jung-ll has declared all-out war on untidy and foreign hairstyles. North Korean geezers now have a choice of 1 when they pop down the salon: short, back and sides or else.

Hayden Wright mans up (news story of the year)

Hayden Wright is like a lot of other folk in Chattanooga, Tennessee. His dad is in county lock-up. His mum is called April. He likes to stay up late and get loaded on 12-ounce bottles of Bud Light. In some ways Hayden is Mr America.

But heeeeeeell, sometimes he pushes the boat out a little too far. Like the time a few days ago when he bowled out of the house drunk at 1.45am, broke into his neighbour's house, stole their Christmas presents and slipped into a fetching brown dress.

But in the all-round scheme of things, Hayden is a just a regular Joe. The only slightly unusual thing about Hayden is that he is four years young.

Nikki Finke vs the H'wood trades

Nikke Finke's Deadline/Hollywood now has a bigger readership than Variety and The Hollywood Reporter combined. Pretty startling given it's only been on the block for four years and the trades have been churning out copy for decades

Still Dre ...

and Jay-z, Snoop & Biggie. Fire!

Secret Cinema presents "Bugsy Malone"

Here's the excellent vid from Secret Cinema's "Bugsy Malone" bash at The Troxy in Limehouse. Stay tuned to Secret Cinema's facebook page for news of the Valentine's lover's special taking place in Feb (prob 13th).

Fjallraven backpack

This backpack from Swedish outdoors brand Fjallraven is the bee's knees. It's the sort of thing I'd imagine Aussie troopers wore during WWII when trooping knee deep in Papua New Guinean swamp

Divorce gift vouchers

Still stuck for what to get that special loved one for Christmas? Howsabout a divorce gift voucher? For just £125 plus VAT you can surprise your wife or hubbie this festive season with a free sesh of legal advice. Soooooooooo romantic. Imagine their excitement when they tear open the wrapping.

Tuff gig

What's the most dangerous job on the planet?
I'd always thought it was driving big those big trucks over ice roads or working on oil rigs (everyone gets the bends and their body comes out of their mouth).
However, it turns out that #3 @ al-Qaeda is by far the most dangerous job currently with vacancies. According to Gawker, it turns nine number threes have bit the dust since al-Qaeda got popular. This despite al-Qaeda having amazing hiding places in the outlaw-friendly swathes of Pakistan and maze of caves of Afghanistan.

Dear Andy Love Mick

Back before Powerpoint presentations and Adobe attachments, there were letters. When not using the telephone some people used to use letters to communicate. Here's one Mick Jagger sent to Andy Warhol. It's a creative brief. Paraphrased, it reads "Hey Blonde Bob, do whatever you want and charge me whatever you like. Love Big Lips x" Didn't life use to be so simple ...

Thompson wins big on the Queens Park Rangers

QPR's 2-2 draw @ the Hawthorns on Monday night was a decent result. But for fluky yank gambler Blake Thompson it was a rim-rocking SLAM DUNK. He's sure to be wheeled out @ Loftus Rd in coming weeks.

Feel the burn

Crazy news coming out of East Flatbush where an unfortunate bodybuilder has been beaten and stabbed to death after a heated row with a fellow musclehead.
The bone of contention: whose go it was on the Nautilus elliptical machine (whatever that is). You know what Biggie would say: 'Roids and patience go together like two dicks and no bitch.
The only signs remaining of the attack yesterday were Smith's workout gloves and Gatorade bottle - left on the machine he had been using.

Octopussies no more!

Oh shit! It's been known for some time that octopuses are sick and tired of being whisked out of the sea, brutally murdered and then served up as fresh calamari. But until now it's been fine as the limp-wristed invertebrates have displayed zero intelligence. Until now all they've really been up to is aimlessly clinging on to to the posts of piers.
But Current Biology reports on some chilling news: veined octupuses, or Amphioctupus margininatus, have begun to dabble in sophisticated tool use. According to the biology boffins, the little blighters are collecting coconut shells for shelter. Basically, they are building underwater slumvilles to rival the likes of Lagos.
As we all know that means they are about ten or 11 years from rising from the sea, face-suckering us all and developing weopens of mass destruction. Be scared, be very scared. I've already stopped eating calamari in case they have me on OctoCCTV.

The Lynx effect

In Albania one little spary of Lynx (but not Africa) makes every female within 50 metres keel over with a sudden voilent bout of love sickness. For this reason Lynx barely advertise in Albania - why bother wasting ad bucks when the population are already hopelessly addicted?

However, it's not all a cakewalk for Lynx's crack team of marketeers: In the U.K., some misled heathens still need a little encouragement to part with their readies and get Lynxed up. (note: thankfully this does not apply in Swansea where no self-respecting, roided-up squaddie goes anywhere w/o a few cans of Lynx in their gymbag). That's why the Lynx lads have come up with these great festive ads. They should conscript the last few miserly holdouts.

Rooney zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

A few days ago, I posted the nice 'Peaches Geldof dreams of bread' story. I was pretty sure that'd I'd bagged the most pointless story of all-time gong.
But you knows what they say about buses ... it only turns out that Wayne Rooney was asleep in a hotel room during the World Cup draw. Go on, just try and lift your jaw off the floor. That's if you haven't fainted with excitement.

To paraphrase Wooney, he lay down on his bed watching telly and then just nodded off. Wow! Beyond fascinating. I bet that's never happened before. To anyone.

Maybe one time he'll open the fridge and forget what he's looking for. Another time he might take out the rubbish. Or wake up a bit late. Imagine the unending possibilities.

Wham! The Starbucks and weed diet

George Michael knows just how to build buzz for his upcoming Christmas single; bang on about how me he likes cottaging, weed and crack and close with a stinging tirade aimed at a fellow sleb. Sack the publicist(s).

What's that prick honey?

This kiwi monster has to be the most selfish man on the planet.

HOLD THE FRONT PAGE: Peaches Geldof dreams of bread

I'm always on the hunt for mind-numbingly dumb, pointless news stories.
One day last year, I thought I'd nailed it. My find was a nice four ot five para piece on Robbie Williams buying a motorbike. According ot the fearless investigative journo, Robbie was spotted going into a motorbike shop and having a look. The shop was in or near Swindon. That was it. No hidden meaning. Nothing. Case closed surely?
No way. Digital Spy have just gone and topped the Robbie 'exclusive'. Their massive scoop? Peaches Geldof (sometimes) dreams of bread. That's all folks.

Milla backs Ivorians and Black Stars to shine

Hip-jiggling all-time legend Roger Milla reckons Ghana and Ivory Coast have the potential to go far at the World Cup. I sure hope he's right. I'd like nothing more than seeing Kolo lift the cup. In other WC news, England have already won their group of life.

Free sex for tree huggers

Attn. all cheapskate Euro kerb-crawlers looking for a festive treat.
Copenhagen's prostitutes are offering free nookie to Climate Summit attendees. The startling move by the ladies of the night is a counter-strike aimed at the city's mayor who is trying to stop businessmen in macs from beelining to the red lights.