Monday, 30 November 2009

Hot crime: Gold Farming


Everyone knows that at least half of China's teen population are locked in windowless basements busily 'working' 20 hour days unlocking priceless axes, maces, shields and big-boobed women that their dad's then sell on to time-poor, spot-rich Westerners who are desperate to impress their peers in online games like World of Warcraft.

But did you know that this dirty game of gold farming has spread to the once-pretty English sticks? Well it definately has. Some un-named scumbag in Avon and Somerset has been naughtily phishing hammers, swords, you name it and re-selling them in web-based role playing game RuneScape. (S)he's probably richer that Dubai (pre-crash).

Important note to my concerned family and friends: I read about this upsetting phenom. I am not having 15-hour long online sword fights with Vietnamese 13-year-olds on the sly.

"Pulp Fiction" co-screenwriter tweets himself into lock-up


Roger Avary, co-screenwriter of "Pulp Fiction," seems to have landed himself in deep(er) water via his insatiable appetite for social networking.
The writer, who was sentenced to a year in jail for causing a car crash in Ojai that killed a passenger and injured his wife, apparently has been tweeting about life on the inside. And his 140 character blasts from skid row (gangs, drugs, strip-searches etc) have developed a bit of a following.
But it turns out the supposed hard man has been fibbing a bit. According to the L.A.Times he's only on a cushie 'furlough programme' which seems to mean you get the day off jail to pop into work and update your Facebook profile etc. There was us thinking he was typing away from the top bunk as his inmate sharpened up a home-made shank.
But it's all blown up in Avary's face and he is now actually in the clink for real. Check in here https://twitter.com/AVARY to see how he gets on in the showers. I'm hearing from my prison sources that the latest method of prison attack is to put baby oil & water in the microwave and use as molten lava. Truly medieval.

Thursday, 26 November 2009

"Avatar": 'horrible piece of shit'


Naughty Gawker has broken the embargo and posted a review on "Avatar" and it does not make good reading for Mr Cameron and co. Apparently the special super-duper 3D effects are 'literally vomit inducing' and 'overall it a horrible piece of shit'.
Regardless, it will still open Titanic @ the box office. But the big q is will it have legs? Any release this anticipated is virtually critic proof so far as opening weekend goes, but it will need to be sustained by word of mouth. If people stream out of the multiplex blowing chunks that could shorten its run!

Wednesday, 25 November 2009

Drill, baby drill


This vid of interviews with Palin fans waiting in line at a book signing is must-watch. The stupidity of her supporters is off the Richter. My personal low/highlight is the 'drill, baby drill' proponent who says "we need get the polar bears off the endangered list so we can drill there (Alaska)"

Wikileak publishes 9/11 text messages


Click here to mine an online quarry of found poetry
ie
1) my nephew's ok, 2) there's a dead body at the main gate, 3) US denies responsibility for bombing in Afghanistan. Over and out.

Nike x Patta


I love these purple cookie eaters. 'Dam outfit Patta are on fire.

Tuesday, 24 November 2009

Monday, 23 November 2009

Gourmet Quadici re-up



Crooked Tongues are damn right to give big props to these 'ugly-beautiful amphibious heaters' but I'm not digging these new colorways. I still love my mean greens best.

Friday, 20 November 2009

Human fat traders

Hey older female readers ... ever wondered where your £50 a pop anti-wrinkle cream comes from? Here's the answer: it's drained from the fat of (fat) Peruvian peasants who are being killed for their meat by no-good bandits. But don't sweat the small stuff - You're Worth It.
Note: Loreal were not available for comment.

DEVELOPING: World definately going to 'Collapse'


Ever wondered what the hell is gonna happen when the world's depleted stocks of oil run out?
Michael Ruppert, who looks like a hard-boiled hack from The Wire, spends pretty much every waking minute mulling and mouthing off on the subject. While I like my prophets to be a little less gloomy I'm 100% sold on his theory that, when the last drop of black gold goes up in smoke, we all will too.
In the post-oil world, I'd imagine the awesomely dressed Movement for the Emancipation of The Niger Delta (MEND) rebels will run ting. While they will have to ditch their nippy little speedboats, these natty cats are built to last; the already get on just fine in hopelessly unfarmable swamplands and make do without broadband and toasters in villages w/o leccy.
The Dutch might also survive for a bit given their penchant for wind power.

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

van Pizzle goes experimental


Tweaked a hammie? Bruised a toe? Gone over on an ankle? Time to pop over to Serbia (red-hot topic on ArchBlog this week) for a human placenta massage.

Saturday, 14 November 2009

Putin up in da club


For some time it's clear that poor Gordon Brown is running out of road. Diligently toiling like a mule to drag the U.K. out of recession has gone largely unappreciated. Even coming out of the closet as pretty much totally blind doesn't seem to have won him any sympathy support. It's got so desperate he's even started jogging to try and effect a fit, healthy sporty persona to match young buck (and smug kwunt) Cameron.
Brown is sprinting to the bar at last orders in the last chance saloon bar. Perhaps it's time to crash-and-burn in style. For inspiration he need look no further than Putin who is courting the kids via his new-found love of hip-hop.
"I do not think that 'top-rock' or 'down-rock' breakdance technique is compatible with alcohol or drugs," Putin told cheering hip-hoppers who responded with chants of "Respect, Vladimir Vladimirovich".

Friday, 13 November 2009

ARMORED CAR WITHOUT PENIS. LET’S SAVE THE WHALES


To think, since February I've been driving my $1.45 million Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition SUV around town (mostly up and down the Kings Road) and until today I had absolutely no idea the seats were made of WHALE PENIS.
This shocking revelation has me wanting to retch. After getting so drunk at the Henley regatta I could not stand let alone drive home I slept in the car and woke with my face plastered to the slinky leather.
Rest assured I'll be returning my ride to Dartz in the morning.

Garlic selling like hot cakes in Serbia


The Serbs have never struck me as hypochondriacs. Until now. It seems a paltry few hundred cases of piggie sniffles has sent the population into virus-fearing meltdown. Even supposed hardman N.Vidic is digging up his back yard in search of garlic.

Eating cutlery


I've been to Rotterdam. As well as being Europe's largest port it is also an incredibly bleak, depressing place. That said, at no point did I feel so low that I munched though 78 knives and forks.

Wednesday, 11 November 2009

Nobbie Stiles, Razor Ruddock, Vinnie Jones, Julian Dicks, Elizabeth Lambert

Slight but vicious University of New Mexico defender Elizabeth 'don't call me Lizzie' Lambert displays her 'agricultural' approach to the game of soccerball. Defo one to take woman and ball.

Tuesday, 10 November 2009

Babies making £$£ (finally)


Everyone knows babies cost an arm and leg. For the first six months or so they are unable to work (even freelance). That's until now. An enterprising Indian nanny has come up with a great plan which is a dead cert to catch on elsewhere - renting babies out to beggars to help them with their 'i've got so much on my plate right now can I have a few rupees' routine. Unbelievably, hopelessly short-sighted news outlets like the BBC are trying to stop babies making some much-needed dough for their parents. I think this is pretty disgusting given they gave J.Woss a massive rise and free haircuts for life at Nikki Clarke as a reward for ruthlessly attacking old people.

Monday, 9 November 2009

Cooper boards "The Devil's Double"


With cocky so-and-so Dominic Cooper on board, "The Devil's Double" is heating up. Check this from Screen Intl. ...

Cooper to play The Devil’s Double for Tamahori
9 November, 2009 | By Jeremy Kay
Dominic Cooper will star and Ludivine Sagnier is in talks to join him in Corsan’s thriller The Devil’s Double based on the true story of Uday Hussein’s body double that is set to begin shooting in January in Malta.
Lee Tamahori (Die Another Day, XXX: State Of The Union) will direct to join what Corsan CEO Paul Breuls described as a taut action tale about the extraordinary life of Latif Yahia.
Corsan World Sales is talking to buyers here at AFM and the Paradigm Motion Picture Finance Group is representing domestic rights.
Yahia, a dead ringer for Saddam Hussein’s sadistic and widely despised son, was forced against his will to stand in for Uday in potentially dangerous situations. Through his role, Yahia gained access to Hussein’s inner sanctum and witnessed corruption, violence and debauchery.
Michael Thomas adapted the screenplay from Hussein’s books I Was Saddam’s Son and The Devil’s Double.
Cooper currently appears alongside Carey Mulligan and Peter Sarsgaard in An Education and his credits include Mamma Mia!, The Duchess and The History Boys. He will next be seen in Stephen Frears’ Tamara Drewe.

Friday, 6 November 2009

Oliver Spencer combat jumper


Pretty much everything in Lamb's Conduit Street shop Oliver Spencer is lovely. If I had any spare greenbacks I'd already be the owner of their combat jumper. I'm a complete and utter sucker for thumb-holes. This is what the Zapatistas would wear if they invaded the Falklands.

Pocket-sized hedgehog


Mini pets are all the rage right now. Her Poshness just bought Becks a pair of micropiglets. Thanks to Matt for alerting me to the vast array of other mini pets out there. Apparently, mini-hedgehogs are soooo last year. Like I give a root - they wipe the floor with the pint-sized competition.

Wednesday, 4 November 2009

HOLD THE FRONT PAGE: Bears join War on Terror!


BREAKING NEWS: The long wait is over; Bears have finally cast their all-important vote on the ongoing clash of civilisations. After a series of clandestine meetings in woods (which, reportedly, even the trees weren't invited to), Bears have come down firmly on the side of democracy. Phewy - they don't hate our freedom. They might even love it.
Bears first deadly contribution to the ongoing War on Terror came in South Kashmir where a lone operator named Rupert van Rooneyberg took out two sleeping Mujahideen fighters with consumate ease.
"This is potentially a problematic situation for our Global terror network," said a leading Taliban commander, who preferred to go un-named. (S)he added "holy dude, this is bad; the Bears know pretty much all our caves." The Bears' decision to team up with the West comes somewhat out of leftfield for Islamic fundamentalist militants. "Just last Tuesday we shared mint tea with some senior Bears and even had a little dance under the stars," lamented the balaclava'd Taleban commander.
President Obama cut off his holiday in Martha's Vineyard to welcome the news: "It cannot be underestimated how important co-operation with the Bears worldwide might prove. I think it would be fair to say that they know more about caves than even the Mountain Goats."
A spokesperson for the Mtn Goats had not returned calls at time of press.

Tuesday, 3 November 2009

Ice-T - getting colder.


O.G. Ice-T once again shows the first generation of rappers to enter middle-age how not to age gracefully. Even Flavor Flav and Bobby Brown would disapprove of this 'look'.

Sensible shirting

If only this SatyenKumar number wasn't dry clean only I'd defo be handing over the readies. Otherwise, it's pretty much ideal; understated & smart yet casual.

Secret Cinema presents Alien


Click 'ere to check out pictures from Secret Cinema's Halloween special. The film was "Alien" and the bash took place in a derelict warehouse in Shoreditch.

Monday, 2 November 2009

Awayday gone badly wrong

I don't know what's worse: being set on fire or being doused in warm Carlsberg by a mob of (hilarious) pissed-up hoolies. Spose this is what happens when you dress up as a sheep on public transport.

Lacoste wool hat


Al Capone used to wear a cheerful wool hat like this when he went on his summer holidays. His regular black one just reminded him too much of burying bodies in fresh cement under the highway.

Russell Moccasin Fishing Oxford Shoes


I'm sure they're good for reeling in monster marlin but just imagine how good these would be for tug o' war.

Sunday, 1 November 2009

Shucks Shux


AlShux AKA Alexander Shuckburgh (and my future brother-in-law) continues his meteoric rise. His excellent "Empire State of Mind" track for little-known Big Apple rapper Jay-Z has been treated to a music vid by Hype Williams.

Otto and the Eye


Click here to see young Otto Gundry's superb acting debut. I love the way the vid is shot by his pop esp. the bit on the bike at the beginning. As you might be able to tell Otto is somewhat in love with the London Eye and its magnificent pods. That's until he claps eyes on the ice cream van. It's then when his heart truly Toffee Crumbles and he 99 Flakes out.

Mao mark II???


In the red corner, hailing out of China and weighing in at an impressive 220 pounds, meet General Mao, the fast-rising grandson of the Great Helmsman who looks set to run the world.