Thursday, 28 January 2010
I also love the idea that, not so long ago, the President of the USA carried a knife in his pocket at all times.
(Via the excellent A Continuous Lean blog)
But, according to the rock star's lawyers, Peter's pockets have buckled. These days he is the one worrying about them - oh the irony!
Sometimes he wakes in the dead of night to find they have sleepwalked to the local smack peddler. Not only is it a major worry for Peter but it's also beginning to land him in more trouble with the law. So hopeless is the pocket's addictions that they have begun to smuggle drugs wherever they (and he) goes.
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
But the worst bit is that avoiding predators is just that much harder when you positively glow in the dark.
Unsurprisingly, a huge majority of albino hedgehogs get real low. Some do drugs. Some self-harm. But all of them eat way too much.
Take heffalump Snowball. He's an albino hedgehog. And guess what? He's three times the size (1.5 kilograms) of a regular Joe hedgehog. This unfortunate dude is so fat humans have had to intervene on his behalf. He now lives in St Tiggywinkles Wildlife Hospital in Buckinghamshire. He is only allowed to eat diet kitten biscuits and he has to work out all day long at Tiggywinkles' purpuse built hogjog4life gym.
Photo credit: Jeff Moore
Monday, 25 January 2010
I know these Na'Vi names might sound a bit wacky/zany but, rest assured, you never walk alone. That's because the number of babies named after chavatars in box office behemoth "Avatar" is rising by the milli-second. In one generations time the Avataris(z)ation of the world will be 100% complete. By 2025, the president of the U.S. will no longer be black. She'll be blue, have a tail and get round on a loyal, sexy beast.
So, why's "Avatar" caught on in such a big way? Well, for starters the 14-years-in-the-making Fusion 3D (c) technology is so immersive that you can never, ever actually leave the film. Anyone who has been ensnared by the parallel universe that is Cameron's LSD-laced monster movie knows they can no longer bare to exist on Planet Earth (so last year). I, like you, spend every waking moment wishing I was bounding through the phosphorescent Graceland that is Pandora.
Some proper diehards are so blue to exit their local multiplex only to find themsleves plonked back on Planet Earth that they've set up chatroom discussions mulling "Ways to cope with the depression of the dream of Pandora being intangible." Most conclude thus ..."I even contemplated suicide, thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora, and that everything will be the same as in Avatar."
NOW DO YOU GET WHY YOU HAVE TO NAME YOUR BABY NEYTARI? SORT IT.
Friday, 22 January 2010
Now I know why. Spearheaded by Lionel Ritchie and his We Are The World (remake) project, every sleb on the planet is jetting in (from nearbye St Barts) to offer their unbending support for the people of Haiti. All the obvious candidates have their private jets parked up on the prime concrete real estate. Bono's helping out the U.S. marines up in air traffic control. Madonna is out there on the runway strutting her stuff in a (Dior) helmet whilst operating the take-off flags. And the impossibly rugged Sting has even volunteered to help out the baggage handlers. Hunky!
The shitfight for philanthropic spotlight has got so out of hand that even dead popstars are trying to muscle in on the action. According to today's Guardian ...
The late Michael Jackson, one of the song's co-authors, is also expected to be integrated into the project.
Thursday, 21 January 2010
But luckily doctors are all over it like a cheap suit. These days, porkers can get weight-loss surgery like gastric bands which are guaranteed to have clients back on the squash court the next day.
The thing is, according to the Today Programme this morning, only the really morbidly obese get to the front of the queue for surgeries. Therefore, it really pays to pad out if you are already tipping the scales. This is great news for KFC who are selling megabuckets by the shedload (especially on the Uxbridge Road).
However, it's not all good news. The set-up is applying enormous pressure on Weight Watchers clinics. No-one is bothering with the slimline salad dressing anymore. For this reason, the floors at Weight Watchers and other 'slimming' clubs are taking a major hammering. In Sweden they've started to cave in and split.
Tuesday, 19 January 2010
Thursday, 14 January 2010
'And just wait until you meet the owner, Angelo. What a nondescript character! Be sure to tell him I sent you. He will have no idea who I am.'
Wednesday, 13 January 2010
Friday, 8 January 2010
1) Team nicknames. There's loads of good ones - Indomitable Lions (Cameroon), Black Antelopes (Angola), Sparrowhawks (Togo) - but the best has to be the Copper Bullets (below) of Zambia. The pacy Katonga bros, Chris and Felix, lead their attack.
2) Player nicknames. Malian centre-back Adama Coulibaly is also known as 'Police.' That's because he stops all attacks. Move aside Golden Balls (unless you want to get arrested).
3) Style of play; go hard or go home. Not counting kiss-ass Europhiles Ivory Coast and Cameroon and cagey north African bore draw specialists like Tunisia, everyone just goes hell-for-leather. Tactics are mostly 'goalie (often in trackie bums) lump it to big man and now everyone charge!'. Defence is simple: chop your man down hard and then deathstare the ref. Police!
4) The ball. Adidas Wawa-Aba AKA totally tropical masterpiece. Ballack would combust if he ever got near one.
5) Voodoo/black magic. Coaches take a back seat to witch doctors when it comes to the knockout games. Don't believe me then check out what 'Roonian (and Burnley) enforcer Andre Bikey did when he thought an ambo man (!) was trying to spread curses on his team in last tournament's semis.