Ritchie saves Haiti

I keep hearing that the airport in Port-au-Prince is hopelessly bottlenecked. It's so crowded that aid planes stuffed to the rafters with essential food and medical supplies are being forced to circle for hours while they wait for a shimmering sixpence of runway to land on.
Now I know why. Spearheaded by Lionel Ritchie and his We Are The World (remake) project, every sleb on the planet is jetting in (from nearbye St Barts) to offer their unbending support for the people of Haiti. All the obvious candidates have their private jets parked up on the prime concrete real estate. Bono's helping out the U.S. marines up in air traffic control. Madonna is out there on the runway strutting her stuff in a (Dior) helmet whilst operating the take-off flags. And the impossibly rugged Sting has even volunteered to help out the baggage handlers. Hunky!
The shitfight for philanthropic spotlight has got so out of hand that even dead popstars are trying to muscle in on the action. According to today's Guardian ...
The late Michael Jackson, one of the song's co-authors, is also expected to be integrated into the project.